What I Did on My Summer Vacation

Well once again it seems living got in the way of blogging. I think I can speak on behalf of the others and say, it’s been a busy summer! I’m sure when they get the chance, they’ll give updates of their own. But here’s what’s up Chez M2BB.

Remember the big changes I mentioned a few months back? Well this week isn’t just back-to-school for Boy #1—mommy is also going to be hitting the books this fall. I still can’t quite believe I actually left my career in publishing after 10 years to pursue a Bachelor of Education degree in the hopes of becoming a teacher. Though I’m excited about the future, there is a part of me that worries I’ve made a huge mistake…

But more about that later. Let's talk summer while it's still here. This summer I took a month off to spend some time with my boys (all three of them!) before the craziness starts. We've had a lot of fun (and some challenging moments too.) Boy #1 just turned 6, is reading, riding a two-wheeler, and asking questions non-stop. For real. Boy #2 is approaching 3, has graduated to big boy undies, and wants to do everything his big brother does. Sometimes at the same time (they have literally fought over a wood chip). They drive each other crazy, yet they hate being apart. They both have an extremely high need for attention, which can be very draining. But they are also bright, social, affectionate and sweet, which makes up for a lot!

Some other cool things have happened this summer, including meet-ups between more of us In Real Lifers. Though we’ve been corresponding online in various ways for some time, and already think of ourselves as friends, I hadn’t actually met any of my fellow bloggers until recently! The most amazing part is, when I did finally see and talk to these ladies in person, it was like we’d known each other for years. Because we have. Even Mr. M2BB, who doesn’t “get” the whole social media/discussion forum/online friendship thing, had to admit I’d cultivated relationships with some really lovely, down-to-earth, intelligent, like-minded women that he’s just as pleased to have met IRL.

Sure, I could have been chatting with kangaroos with an Internet hook-up, but the flipside of the ability to be completely dishonest online is the ability to be completely honest. When we initially found each other via a parenting site, our honesty about a variety of topics was what drew us to one another. It was nice to know there were other moms out there that had similar views about children and motherhood and family. Personally, I learned a lot about birth and parenting from these ladies--in some cases, they helped change the way I think about certain related issues.

Now that we’ve gotten to know each other beyond that forum, we have realized we are very different in a lot of ways too (including how we parent, though I’d venture to say at the core, our love and respect for children as people is the same). But we still like each other, learn from each other and value each others' opinions. Even when we argue—I mean, debate!

Hopefully, there will be more in-person meetings, despite the fact there is a long drive (or flight!) separating many of us. In the meantime, we’ll continue to use email, social media and discussion boards to share ideas and ask each other for advice and support. And hopefully, we'll get this blog up and running for real!

Judge not...

Yesterday I stumbled upon a “photo essay” on MSN entitled “Top things parents get judged for”. I clicked on it thinking it might be a funny little fluff piece commiserating with parents about how everyone always seems to know what we should be doing with our children better than we know ourselves. The title was inaccurate. It should have been “Top things we at MSN judge parents for”.

The byline was “MSN Staff”. I can only assume (and hope) that these very brave, anonymous writers have no children. In fact I suspect they are that stage of life where all their friends are having babies, and now have other priorities. And so the writers, feeling left out, decided to get even by coming up with this offensive, anti-child, anti-parent list. Note, I refuse to link to it directly and give MSN any traffic.

According to this feature, children are not welcome in restaurants, on planes, or even on sidewalks. Especially when they have runny noses. And definitely not late at night. If you must bring your children out in public, you are to leave things like soothers and security blankets at home “in the crib where they belong” (because we all know all children sleep in cribs!) The writers’ social lives have clearly suffered since their friends started having families, because despite judging parents when children are out after dark, they are also annoyed by parents who schedule life around their children’s needs for food and rest (“Does it really matter if the kid goes to bed 30 minutes late every once in a blue moon?” Actually, yes it can!)

On top of all this -- being denied security items, being denied routine, being denied opportunities to learn proper public behavior -- kids are then not allowed to have tantrums! Wait, it gets better: parents whose children do meltdown will be judged for doing nothing, as well as for disciplining them! OK, so I agree on one point: I don’t want to see anyone smacking their kids either, ever (yeah, I judge too). But it’s so nice to know that in the eyes of people like the good folks at MSN, parents are judged if they do, and judged if they don’t.

Of course, I fully expected to find some sort of commentary on breastfeeding, and I was not disappointed. MSN saved the best for last. Apparently, breastfeeding too long is wrong. Their guideline for “too long”? When the child can ask for a snack. Because, of course, babies don’t ask for food from birth. And breastfeeding is only about food. (You can’t see it, but my eyes are rolling.) I guess it’s just when they can use words that it’s no longer OK to nurse them? So, what does that mean for infants that speak, and toddlers that don’t?

It’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard this little gem about how to know when it’s time to wean. In fact, I may have uttered it myself – long before I had children of my own. Now, I fail to see how the duration of breastfeeding affects anyone other than the mother and the child (well, aside from the public health benefits of extended nursing). And apparently I fail to see the humor in parents and children being put down and marginalized the way they so often are in popular media.

I’m all for people staying childless by choice, I just don’t think those people should then turn around and write about parenting.

How to savour the moments...

In two days, my baby son will turn 3 months, and no longer be a "newborn". I've tried so hard to savour every moment, because this is our second and last child. I've tried to remember everything and record every experience. When my daughter was born I was so excited about her changing and developing, I didn't pay attention to the stage she was AT. I told myself that wouldn't happen this time.

But it didn't work. I can hardly remember him as a neonate already. I'm not sure how he got so big. He's smiling and cooing and responding and grabbing and some people start their babies on solids a month from now! I want him to stay little. But he refuses. And I can't remember what he was like. How do we stop time?

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans...

A funny thing happened on the way to launching a blog called In Real Life. "Real life" got in the way. Since the last post, virtual eons ago, babies have been born, babies have been sick, some of us have been house-hunting, some of us have been job-hunting. Some of us have been planning or making major life changes, like further education or the decision to have one parent stay home (or one go back to work). Some of these things are still on the hush-hush (hence the lack of blog posts on these topics for the time being, but stay tuned!) And this is on top of our day-to-day lives, which were already pretty full to begin with.

So, we’ve been a lot quieter than anticipated, for a group of women with rather strong opinions and a knack for expressing them in writing! I’d like to say when things calm down, we’ll start posting with some frequency. But when does life ever calm down, really? And if it did, what would we write about?

So bear with us, we’re just getting started!

My Million-Dollar Family

“Will you be trying for a girl next?”

The first person to ask me this was an L&D nurse, mere hours after my second son was born. Considering my baby was at that moment on oxygen in the special care nursery, having another child of either sex was the last thing on my mind. But circumstances aside, I resented the implication that having another boy must be a disappointment to me.

Family members, friends, co-workers and even strangers seem to have a vested interest in the sex of our children. It all started when my husband and I announced our first pregnancy. We were immediately told by certain people who shall remain nameless, “It better be a girl!” An off-hand remark, to be sure, but we knew we were having a boy. Well, we didn’t “know”, because we’d chosen not to find out the sex prior to the birth, but we had a strong feeling. And we were right: Boy #1 was born in 2004. If anyone was disappointed, they hid it well, and I am convinced he could not be more loved.

However, when we announced we were having another child, what did the same people say? You guessed it: “It had better be a sister for Boy #1!” After all, one boy + one girl = the Million Dollar family! Right?

This time we decided to find out the sex of the baby – in part so we could talk to our first born about his new brother- or sister-to-be. But we had another reason for finding out: we didn’t want to spend the rest of the pregnancy hearing that those around us were wishing for something – someone -- they might not get.

I cried when I heard that I was carrying a boy. The ultrasound technician asked if this was a good thing or a bad thing. I assured her, mine were tears of joy. I had always had a feeling that I would have two sons. A psychic even told me I would (so she was wrong about the twins thing…) Boy #2 was born in 2007.

Don’t get me wrong. I would have loved a little girl. Or two. Just as much. And trust me, I know this sort of thing goes both ways: I’m the third of three daughters, so my parents got their fair share of rude comments! But I have sons. Two amazing, adorable, loveable, wonderful boys, and I would not change a thing. Nor do I feel my life is lacking because of the dearth of pink in our house. So why does it seem like others feel sorry for me because I don’t have, and probably never will have, a daughter? I for one don’t look at families with “only” sons or “only” daughters (or “only” one child) and think, “how sad!” But apparently some people do. Otherwise, how to explain these assumptions and questions?

Now our family is complete, but the comments continue: “Sons are great, but…”; “This family needs girls, girls, girls!”; and of course the ubiquitous, “Will you be trying for a girl next?” Worst of all, these things are said in the presence of my boys. I am worried my sons will grow up thinking they’d be loved more, if only people could buy them pretty pink dresses. That my husband and I are the ones wishing one of them had been a girl. That there is something wrong with being a boy.

I won’t be having more babies, but please, don’t pity me because I haven’t got one of each. I am beyond thrilled with my two happy, healthy boys. In the words of my father, who was often asked how he ended up with three daughters: “I’m just lucky I guess.”

Take a Deep Breath...

I love my job. Three weeks ago, I started working part-time at a women’s clothing store, something I never thought I’d do. Me? Retail? But, don’t you have to be outgoing and be comfortable invading the personal space of strangers, and know how to hustle and sell and, and, and...the very idea used to cause me serious anxiety. But life happens and I needed a job, both for the money and for my sanity after more than four years as a stay-at-home mom. I had a really hard time finding a job at all, mostly because of the aforementioned shyness - getting my resume out there was no trouble, but following up? That would mean phoning a stranger. Ugh. I figured the odds would eventually turn out in my favour, though, and if I got a million resumes out there, I’d probably get at least one call, right?

Fast-forward a year, and I finally landed an interview. I connected with my prospective boss instantly and started work the following Tuesday. I fully expected to hate the job with every fibre of my being, until I was fired at the end of my first week. Instead, this job has proven to be the perfect fit for me. I get to dress up and be creative and chatter with sweet little old ladies. I get to satisfy my urge to shop without spending a dime. I get to practice approaching strangers and making small talk without any negative social consequences if I make an ass of myself. It’s been 3 weeks and I feel like a new person, like the dynamic me that I always suspected was hidden behind my nervousness and negative self-talk.

That’s the good news.

The bad news is that every night I lay awake thinking I should quit because it’s not worth the hassle and expense of child care. My husband’s schedule is flexible and he promised to be “accomodating” when I was offered my job because it’s important to me that the kids are in the care of a family member most of the time, but reality is proving to be much more complicated. My hourly wage is less than half of my husband’s, and for me to work a 4 hours shift, he has to take off the whole day to stay with the kids. The way he sees things, it costs us over $100 a day for me to work.

So now the pressure is on for me (yes, me) to arrange daycare for the kids, which should cost less than that $100, BUT the trouble is that my shifts are a little longer than my 2 year old can handle being away from home. Now, I know that he would get used to it quickly, but that’s not the point. The point, well, the first point, is that this is not what I agreed to when I started working outside the home. I agreed to my husband becoming a part-time stay-at-home parent - a minor redistribution of responsibilities.

Another point is that I barely make enough to cover the cost of daycare, even with the BC Child Care Subsidy contributing (an extra $9-$14 a day per child depending on what kind of care we/I choose). I like my job, but not enough to do it for free.

The final point (for today) is this: Why on earth am I the only parent in this house kept up at night worrying about this? Is it because I’m insane and am letting this bother me way more than it should or is it because I’m a woman who is making the mistake of trying to have it all?

I know that I am the last in this little collective to start working outside the home, and I know I am not the first to come up against this wall. I have watched my friends struggle to make the “right” decision only to come to the conclusion that there is no right answer, but a least-bad solution. I know that we’ve all had nights of tossing and turning, worrying about how we can do the things we want and need to do without causing our children to suffer or compromising our values. What has me frustrated is that my partner doesn’t share my concerns. Sure, he cares, but he sleeps soundly every night and he is quite content to let this be my responsibility. I also have a feeling my husband isn’t the only loving, involved dad who acts this way.

How did I get here?

This question enters my mind every single day. The question sways back and forth between the philosophical and the physical. I mean really - HOW did I get here? Here, alone at my computer twelve hundred miles from home. Here, on a blog with a group of women I've never met In Real Life? Here, in this place of reflection and sharing? Here, surrounded by people who respect and admire one another for the fortitude it takes to get here. OnLine, and InRealLife.

(I've just typed the word here enough times that I'm no longer sure it's a real word.)

Some days the voice asking this question is little more than a fleeting whisper. Other days it's a screaming banshee. Every day this question helps to shape my life, and ultimately the life of my family. Acknowledging the voice (whether loud or quiet) leads to me acknowledging the question. And acknowledging the question begs me to try to answer it. And trying to answer it requires me to reflect. And reflection is good. Reminding myself each day how I got here also reminds me to be aware of where I'm going. It reminds me never to become complacent. It reminds me to live with purpose. It reminds me to raise my children with purpose. So here I am, raising my children with purpose.

And that's as much as I can write before someone wakes up and asks "Mumma, can you take me for a pee?"